Jesus: The Rolling Stone Interview

Editors note: a few weeks ago, a bearded gentleman in flowing white robes, an unearthly glow about him and, curiously, blue wrap-around sunglasses, dropped by our offices for an unscheduled chat…

Rolling Stone: Welcome oh Lord my God, Messiah…
Jesus: Please, please call me J.C.

RS: Um, ok. J.C… I guess my first question is, why are you here?

J.C:  Well, there’s been a lot of talk about me lately and I wanted to kick out some real truth. I thought about TV, but all the interview shows didn’t appeal to me. You’d think that the 700 Club would be a good place but to be frank Pat Roberston would soil his Depends if I ever actually showed up. O’Reilly maybe, but I know I’d never get a word in edgewise with him. And if I went on Maher’s show he’d probably stick me between Ann Coulter and Alec Baldwin and that much hairspray and make-up aggravates my allergies. You’ve had a lot of my look-alikes on the cover over the years so I figured this was a natural place.

 

RS: One of the great debates over the centuries is what you actually said. It’s all second hand.

J.C: I was never much of a writer. I’m more of a performance, in-the-moment kind of deity. Mostly I relied on the disciples to take good notes. But you know my luck, thirteen of them and not one knew shorthand. Ever try and write in Aramaic when the rhymes are flowing? And then Paul, Luke and a few of the other ones decided that they could punch up my stuff when they got it published. I mean camels and needles? I said it more simply: don’t be a selfish prick. And then the whole language thing. For example, the Golden Rule actually ended with “no foolin’” but that didn’t translate too well into Latin.

 

RS: There’s a lot of talk these days about the Bible, especially the Old Testament.

J.C: I was talking to Dad about that the other day.

 

RS: Uh, by “Dad” you mean God, right?

J.C: The Alpha and the Omega, baby! Yeah, he was saying how the Old Testament has been taken the wrong way. He was in kind of a dark place then, literally angry at the world when that stuff came out. He’s always been much more theatrical about things – burning shrubs, talking snakes, writing things in stone, what have you.

But in his defense, that fire and brimstone shtick was big back in the old country. You had snake charmers working ambrosia halls from Sparta to Khartoum, people stuffing cats for the afterlife. Crazy. Leviticus started as a reaction against a whole lot sheep buggering when those shepherd boys were taking long walks with the flock and then He lost the plot and it turned into this whole sacrifice and wife slaying bit. But, you know, One tends work in the medium of the times.

 

RS: So, I’m sure everyone wants to know… When’s Judgment Day and what will it be like?

J.C: The End is going to big but I’d like to keep the actual date a surprise… Say, do you have any plans for next Tuesday?

 

RS: Why?

J.C: I would wear cool clothing that day if I were you… Ah, just messin’ with you. Let me just say that in keeping with the theme of that day there’s going to be a whole lot of “activist judging” going on.

Ah, just messin’ with you. Let me just say that in keeping with the theme of that day there’s going to be a whole lot of “activist judging” going on.

 

RS: What did you think of Mel Gibson’s movie?

J.C: You know I was kind of hoping for another Lethal Weapon. Some bad guy, some car crashes, some martial arts moves, Joe Pesci. He slew me with the whole bit about the drive-through food in the last one. Turns out he made a bio-pic. When I first saw it, I thought, you know “been there, done that.”

RS: Lastly, why the wrap-around shades?

J.C: Bono has stolen so much of my act I thought I’d repay the favor. Peace out!